DEALING WITH DIVORCE

These days, many marriages end in divorce - when one or both partners decide they no longer wish to live together and want to end the marriage. If both partners can sort out finances and agree about the care of their children, they will probably not have to appear in court, and can get everything sorted out by post (though a judge will always make the finale decision about divorce).

If your parents are involved in a divorce, hopefully they will reach an agreement with you about where you will live and when you will see them. If the court thinks you are old enough to have a view of your own, you will be talked to in private by a court welfare officer so that he/she can take your views into account.

If your parents cant agree about what will happen to you, they will advised to use independent counsellors to try to reach an agreement before the case gets to court (a court divorce can be stressful, costly and distressing for everyone concerned). In the end though, after listening to what everyone involved thinks, the judge will make a court order (a rule concerning your welfare). The court order will cover things like who you live with, how often you'll see the parent you no longer live with, and so on. Both of your parents will have to comply with the court order until you finish school or reach 18.

The effect of divorce on you

Finding out that your mum and dad are getting divorced can be really hard to deal with. Here are some of the things that you might experience:

Shock and disbelief - even if you've been expecting it, news of the divorce can still be a nasty shock, and it may release feelings you didn't know you had. Whatever happens, at this stage, try to make sure that you keep talking to your folks about how you're feeling - don't cut yourself off.

Sadness - divorce can almost be like a death in your family - if one of your parents leaves home for good it can feel as if they've disappeared from your life for good. Crying is a natural way of dealing with sadness, and is a physical way of expressing your feelings. After a time though, your feelings will become a bit easier to handle, especially if you stay in touch with both of your parents.

Anger - its natural to resent one or both of your parents at such a difficult time. But remember that usually parents divorce because they want things to be better in the long run. Deal with your anger by letting off a bit of steam - you'll feel better afterwards - but make sure no one gets hurt by anything you say or do.

Guilt - it's easy to think that everything is your fault, but that's wrong. They wont be separating because of anything that you've done. They'll have their own reasons, and there's no need to blame yourself for what's happened.

Insecurity - if the two people you have always depended on split up, it can often make you feel uncertain about everything. But remember that they are separating from each other, not you. Hopefully they'll know how hard things are for you, and they'll make efforts to make sure you don't lose out. So in some ways you might find yourself closer to them.

Relief - if there have been loads of arguments in your house, then the actual split can bring relief. Don't feel guilty if you feel this way, just try and understand what has lead to your feelings.